What Not to Say to a Suicide Survivor

And What to Do

I know that’s a preachy title, and it may drive some people away, but I hope you read it because it could help people you know, and may even help you one day.

A lot of people don’t know what to say after a death. After someone you know loses a family member (or good friend) to suicide, it’s even harder to know what to say.

So many people simply say nothing.

I understand the impulse to not say anything — you don’t want to say the wrong thing, so you avoid it completely. Also, maybe it makes you uncomfortable. Some people frankly find suicide so icky, so “other,” they run the other way. If they saw you across the street, they’d pretend they didn’t, look away, and rush off.

So one thing right away, if you don’t read the rest of this…I hope you will say “I’m sorry.” Even better, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” And then, if you feel up to it, say also, “How are you holding up”? or similar. Even just listening for a minute or 30 seconds is more than they’ll get from most people.

After I lost my 22-year-old son to suicide, one friend told me she thought it was “the worst thing that could happen” to a parent. Maybe this is true, but I didn’t think so, and I also didn’t want to hear that. This was not helpful, though perhaps she thought it might be. Sympathy is good, but assumptions and depressing statements like this are not.

We already know it sucks. We’re trying to summon the courage to go on, not look for reasons not to.

Also, although it is tempting to say something like “they’re in a better place now,” or “they’re in Heaven,” this is also an assumption, and not everyone is religious. However, that kind of comment doesn’t really bother me personally, though it may bother other people who are agnostic or non-religious.

Another thing you can do, and this may be easier or better in writing, is to share any fond memories you have of the deceased (“deceased”…that seems like such a cold term…even terms about death are off-putting). One of the most comforting things I received after Kyle’s death was an amazing, heartfelt email from one of his good friends. He shared his experiences playing chess with Kyle, what books and games they shared in common, and how he was an amazing person — despite his debilitating depression. This meant the world to me, especially since Kyle didn’t have many friends because of his illness.

If you’re just not the verbal type, here’s another safe bet, that will endear you to the bereaved forever…drop off some food. Dinner, homemade or bought…snacks…cookies…what have you. Flowers are lovely, but they’re so expensive and don’t last. But they’re nice too.

For my part, I could have said, and probably should have said, more to my friends rather than just falling off the face of the Earth. I hope with time they’ll understand why I did.

But meantime I’ll be a different person than they knew. It may take a long time, so I hope you too will be patient with your friend or loved one.

“Say their name.” This is a thread in one of the suicide survivor groups I’m in. This is because we parents almost never get to hear our child’s name after a suicide. Not even from our own family, often. So even a quick, “Hey, you know I remember how Kyle used to love making Christmas cookies”…or skiing...or the cat making a face…whatever.

Something to make them realize the person they created, loved, raised, nurtured, had hopes for…did indeed exist and meant something to others. With time, and so much silence, it begins to feel as if this person only existed in our dreams.

One of the worst things to do? Imply in any way that the suicide was the fault of the person with the loss. This actually happened to me a few times. And once I heard about it through the grapevine. So even gossip like that gets back to people.

In my next post I will be looking at trauma, with tips for all of us…so thanks for reading this. It could mean the world to someone.