When Stigma Kills
Kate Spade and High Profile People Embarrassed to Get Help
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Some say depression and genius go hand in hand. I don’t know how true that is, but indeed, a number of notable and/or successful people have taken their lives. I submit to you that it is shame and fear of stigma that still, to this day, keeps people from seeking help.
One of those people is fashion designer Kate Spade, who died by suicide in June 2018. Adored by many, the general public couldn’t understand why someone so successful, having sold her share of her eponymous handbag company for millions of dollars, would take her own life. (Kate and Andy Spade sold a 56% stake to Neiman Marcus in 1999 for $33.6 million. They sold their remaining 44% to Neiman Marcus for $59 million in 2006).
Kate Spade’s elder sister, Reta Sappho, told The Kansas City Star that the designer’s suicide was “not unexpected.” Saffo said that family members “struggled mightily to help Spade,” but to little avail. “Sometimes you simply cannot SAVE people from themselves!” she wrote.
According to the piece, Spade seemed concerned how hospitalization might harm the image of the “happy-go-lucky” Kate Spade brand. And yet, in my opinion, hospitalization was the elevated step Spade needed if her depression was leading her to a place as dark as suicidal ideation.
This notion that it is in any way shameful to get help for mental illness, or even to admit to having mental illness, is something we need to get past. I wish people in the whirlpool of crippling depression would check themselves into the hospital when all else fails…meds, talk therapy, what have you. But in my experience, those people feel so bad about themselves, they may need encouragement to do so. They may not feel they deserve the help. They also have a hard time motivating themselves to take that step. Family and friends can help, and in my view, should, if the person is not getting help on their own.
But people who never experienced clinical depression just don’t understand how dangerous it is.
The Drowning Darkness and the “Magic Wand”
Another famous, conventionally successful person, former talk show host Dick Cavett, has spoken openly about his experiences with depression and the electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) that helped him treat it, calling the treatment “miraculous” and “like a magic wand”. Cavett was one of the few public figures to be open about ECT.
Cavett called his depression the “drowning darkness.” And it was there despite his fame and success. He experienced severe depressive episodes, which he once described the feeling as a “drowning darkness” and found simple daily tasks excruciating. (This description fits my own depressive experience as well).
A “Mask” of Cheerfulness
Cavett publicly recalled that he often hosted his talk show while secretly feeling awful, an experience he shared with other performers, including Ethel Merman. He sometimes believed he was performing terribly, only to watch a replay and see that he appeared perfectly fine.
He underwent ECT treatment in 1980 during what he called his “biggest depressive episode,” and felt a significant positive impact immediately after the first treatment. His story highlights that modern ECT is very different from its portrayals in older movies, as it is administered with anesthesia and muscle relaxants.
And his public discussion of his experience helped destigmatize ECT, a treatment he advocates for. In one video, he urged people to “not fool around” when it comes to getting the right help for depression.
“You can fool a doctor,” he noted… “because of embarrassment of what you have.”
And he makes the important point that people with depression don’t LOOK as bad as they feel. This is one of the biggest problems with mental illness.
Therefore it takes a sense of self-worth and motivation to seek a higher form of treatment. Especially as you may even get skepticism by some in the medical profession, I’m sorry to say. And some people never get there. Instead, they can’t take it anymore, and end everything.
So please, if you have stayed depressed for weeks and weeks (or longer) despite being on psychiatric medication, look into other options and treatments.
And don’t let shame — shame that has no place being there for a real illness — keep you from feeling better again.
If you found this post helpful, please help support my work by leaving a “like” on it below, and comment if you like. Or…Buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/juliawilkinson
One of the problems with shame - especially scapegoat abuse shame, because you're raised in a complex lie that gives you no architectural thoughts or words to say what you feel, right from the first breath - is that it robs us of our voice. Like a psychological gag. Orwell said if you have to keep a secret, first you have to keep it from yourself. In "shaming" systems and families, there is no narrative for our shame. I don't have the answer (yet!!), but it lies in education, of professionals, volunteers who work with children, employers and HR departments... EVERYONE, eventually. Especially mental health provision workers, emergency department staff, anyone frontline in any people-facing work - spotting the "tells". Because the "telling", the words and narrative may be almost impossible for so many, and so the body, and actions- they must do the talking, and frequently, the readers don't read the right message.